DISCLAIMER - Highlander and its characters is the copyright of Rysher and Panzer/Davis Productions and no infringement is intended. The story, such as it is, is copyright Karen Colohan June 1999.

With thanks to Margaret for reading and commenting.

How did things get to be as bad as this? Just when you think it can't possibly get any worse, it does! I never imagined that Mac and I would feel the need to be on Holy Ground in order to face one another, but that's what it took. Everything that we had built over the past couple of years destroyed in a matter of days. Perhaps it would have been better if we'd never even met...

Damn you, Kronos, why did you have to find me now? I finally had something really good in my life. Not any more... Oh yeah, you've always managed to fuck up everything that meant anything to me. Back in the 'good old days' it was Cassandra. We had something - oh, it might not have been much, but it was mine. So, of course, you had to take it - take her - from me. Silly me, I forgot, we were brothers, so we were supposed to share everything. What did you ever give me, though, Kronos? You only ever took...

This time, though, you really excelled yourself, brother. This time you fucked up the only thing that's mattered a damn to me in centuries. What I had with MacLeod was different. Well, let's face it, he could hardly have been more different than you. But we were good together. We were...

Gods, Kronos, if you could see me now you'd be laughing yourself sick, wouldn't you? I can just hear you... Yeah, I guess I have gone soft, by your standards. But you know something, I don't miss what I was, what we shared. In the end, we had nothing. I changed, and it was worth the effort that took. Mac was worth it... Only now, thanks to you and Cassandra, he can't even bear to look me in the eye, let alone anything more. I sicken him - what I was, what I did... Oh, the joke's on me now all right.

I might just as well have let Silas take my head. It's not as if I wanted to kill him. He wasn't my enemy. He trusted me, respected me... Right up to the moment I betrayed him. Silas was never intrinsically evil, just misguided, and if I hadn't led you to him he'd still be alive. Just another to add to the long, long list of my regrets.

Is that the only reason I am still alive? To be a living testament to all the monumental fuck ups I've made in my life? There aren't many others left to remember them now... Not really much of a reason to survive, is it? But I will. I always do, don't I? That's my talent, surviving. Without Mac around, though, well... it all just becomes a meaningless exercise in longevity again. Why would I want that now, after I've tasted what it really means to live?

Fuck, I am so pathetic! I'm like a kid crying over a broken toy. Get over it, old man, the whole thing with Mac was doomed from the start. Accept it. Death on a Horse and the Immortal Boy Scout - it's not exactly a match made in heaven, is it? No, maybe you did do us both a favour, Kronos. At least you put a stop to it before either of us was stupid enough to get really involved, maybe even fall in love. Oh yeah, two Immortals in love, there's a recipe for certain disaster if ever I saw one!
Gods above, just who do I think I'm kidding? I fell in love with Mac the first time I heard him speak my name out loud. And now he hates me... I let him down, betrayed his trust, too. The Methos he put up on a pedestal turned out to have feet of clay. Mac will never forgive me for that. He doesn't know how. It's not in his nature. No, I've lost Mac just as surely as I lost Alexa. The fact that Mac is still alive only makes it hurt more. Ah yes, definitely regret number one thousand and one... Holy Ground

Why didn't Mac just let Cassandra take my head and be done with it? I was past caring then; I wouldn't have put up a fight. Maybe then she and I would both have found some kind of peace. Or maybe not... my Quickening rattling around inside Cassandra? I don't think so. But why did Mac decide he wanted me to live? Not because he wants me around, that's for sure. I don't believe it was out of pity, either. Knowing Mac, it was probably because he thought this living hell he's condemned me to was fitting punishment for my crimes. Mac's good at judging others, after all, and in my case he may even have been right.

Self-pity, old man? That's a new one. Well, well, and they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks! But for now I think I'll fall back on one of my oldest tricks - pack my bags up and run. A little time, a little distance, maybe then things won't look quite so bad. I've been carrying all these other regrets around this long, after all. What difference will just one more make?

The End

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