DISCLAIMER - I don't own Sorority Boys or its characters, I'm just messing around with them for a while. The story, such as it is, is mine, copyright November 2002.
It's true what they say, you know. Life really is a bitch - especially when you're a DOG. And fuck, I'm so damned funny I'm surprised I don't die laughing - except the joke's on me these days. I mean, I'm a guy pretending to be a girl, for fuck's sake. And I'm not even doing it because I get a kick out of it or anything.
As plans go, this idea of Doofer's pretty much sucked. The only problem was, neither Dave or I could come up with anything better. So, say hello to Adina, Daisy and Roberta and welcome to the most humiliating experience of my life. At this rate I'm gonna need years of therapy to get over it...
You know what, I never had self-esteem issues before this, but now I'm a complete fucking wreck. I ask you, why did I have to be the one with a fat ass? It's not fair. And it's not like I'm even pretty or anything to make up for it. Daisy's pretty, and she's thin. I mean, why did she get all the breaks? It's different for Roberta, she doesn't care how she looks, but I do. Which has to be the most fucked up thing ever...
I caught Daisy looking at me today. I was wearing this tight skirt and I wanted to check out how it made my ass look. I was trying to see in the mirror when I noticed her watching me. I could tell what she thought. Guess I was just kidding myself that those exercises would help. Stupid fucking video! All that effort and I still have a fat ass. No wonder Daisy was looking at me like she pitied me.
All this shit is so damned hard for me... I'm not sure how much longer I can cope.
When Daisy realised that I knew she was watching, she didn't say anything, just stood there. I tried to bluff it out, pretend I wasn't really looking. So I picked up a brush and started brushing my hair, like I didn't care that she knew. I am so fucking pathetic... and ugly, don't forget ugly. Who would want me looking like this?
It's so fucking weird. I can barely even remember what it felt like - to feel good about myself, to be confident, to imagine anyone would ever give me a second look. I'm forgetting what it was like to be Adam... and that really scares the shit out of me. I'm losing myself inside Adina and I have no idea who's going to be left when you take her away again.
Dave seems to be able to take Daisy off and put her back on at will, with no blurring around the edges. I envy him that, I really do. Doofer... well, Doofer is Doofer and that pretty much says it all. He always seems to go through life one step removed from reality, so being Roberta doesn't really faze him. Which just leaves me...
I thought I knew who I was. And that sounds like some kind of deep psychological shit, but it's not really. There was nothing deep about Adam. I was the party guy. I had my collection of videos and Polaroids of all the girls I'd fucked. That was pretty much it, but I liked who I was.
Now I have no fucking idea who I am.
Oh yeah, and then there's Jimmy. My little bro, who's the only one who even gives Adina a second look. Just one problem with that... well, two actually, but leaving aside the fact that we're both guys, I know why Jimmy looks at Adina.
Jimmy was just so desperate to get laid and his good buddy Adam told him the way to go. Lower your standards, I told him, lower them way down. And what do you know, Jimmy did just that, exactly like I said... and he chose Adina. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?
Adina just wants to feel pretty, to be worth a second look. She tries really hard, but she's not... I'm not.
The worst of it is that before all this I'd have been the first one to set the dog catchers on someone like her if she set foot in the KOK house. I never stopped to think what it would feel like from her side. Why would I care? How could a guy like Adam ever understand?
Now I do. So fucking cruel...
Being thrown out on my ass or, worse, taking the walk of shame - I would never have believed how much it could hurt. It was all just a joke, right? Wrong. Now I know how bad you feel when you're not pretty or popular, when guys yell at you in the street because you have a fat ass.
I'm living it, and I hate it. I hate myself even more for being pathetic enough to be upset by it. Fuck, and I really hate the way mascara runs when you cry, all those ugly black streaks. Fuck!
I just want to forget everything that's happened this past week. I want to put it all behind me and just be Adam again. You know, Adam who doesn't give a fuck because he's the guy people look up to, the guy who has all his shit together and wouldn't be caught dead in high heels or red silk panties.
Oh yeah, Adam... The guy who's just as damned confused as Adina is right now, because he isn't sure who's more real any more. Adam or Adina... or both.
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