DISCLAIMER - Anyone who cares to claim ownership of this unruly mob is quite welcome to do so. Whatever else may be going on around here, definitely no money is being made. The story (yeah, right!) is copyright Karen Colohan, February 2002

SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS

by Karen Colohan

"My name is Methos. I'm a slut. Hey, I don't have a problem with that!"

"But I do."

"Isn't that what we're here for? Now where was I? Oh yeah, I seem to have a terrible problem with picking lovers who turn out to be either mentally unstable, violently possessive or, more often than not, both."

"My name is Duncan. I like having sex with grouchy old men... well, one grouchy old man in particular. And then there's women... every week, new episode, new woman to sedu... er, protect. Do you think that's why the Old Man's so grouchy?"

"My name is Kronos. I have a problem sharing my toys, er boys, I mean..."

"See, I told you!!"

"Be quiet, Methos, I have a vial of a new and totally unspeakable strain of virus here and I'm not afraid to use it."

"You are such a drama queen, Kronos. Get on with it!"

[glares] And a tendency to take out my jealousy on the population of the nearest large town. Oh, and I like chains... When you're making a bold statement - like black leather, for example - I feel it's so important to accessorise."

[shakes head] That is so passe.

"Idiots!! Stop prattling on about such foppish nonsense. My name is Klaus. And I have absolutely no intention of parading the details of my sex life in front of a bunch of perverts like you!!"

"You have a sex life, Klaus? [pouts] Oh, that is so unfair! Hm, oh, is it my turn? My name is Dorian. I haven't had sex at all since I fell hopelessly in love with a violent, repressed closet-case 23 years ago."

"Pervert!"

"At least I'm not in denial about it."

"Scheisse! Verdammte..." [raises fist]

{Gentlemen, please, can we keep on topic here. The anger management seminar is later today.}

"Doesn't violently abusive behaviour in a relationship count?"

"We do not have a relationship, you perverted...!!!"

"Does that mean you're open to offers?"

"Christ, Methos, you are so predictable."

"But don't you think he's cute with all that long black hair?"

"Cute? I am NOT cute!!!"

{Gentlemen, I won't tell you again. Mr Krycek, you're up next.}

"My name is Alex. I seem to have a problem with trust issues in relationships. It's not that I'm paranoid; everyone really is out to get me... I also have a serious aversion to cigarette smoke. Would you put that thing out, there's a no smoking sign right over there."

[raises magnum one-handed, aims, fires] "No there's not."

"Hey, how d'you do that one-handed thing? Could you teach me?"

[shrugs] "I am Iron Klaus."

"Well, yeah, if you're around blondie over there for very long I can see that being a problem, but I just want you to teach me to fire one-handed; this whole artificial arm scenario is such a bitch..."

"What do you...? PERVERT!!!! You're as bad as him!"

[flutters eyelashes and winds a blond curl around his finger] "Ooooh, Klaus darling, is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

[groans] "Oh please, that joke is even older than I am, and that's saying something. [shakes head] No wonder the English aristocracy is in such a bad way!"

{Gentlemen, I mean it; I won't warn you again. Mr Z, would you like to go next? And is that some kind of a pseudonym? There's really no need for it here.}

[mutters] "You have no idea... Um, my name is Z and, er... I'm secretly in love with my superior officer and..."

[sound of safety being clicked off a magnum]

"You know, I think I'll just go pack myself some warm clothing and buy a ticket to Alaska on the first available flight. I hear it's really very nice there. Lots of my colleagues have gone out there for a visit and liked it so much they've never come back. [gets up and leaves hurriedly]

"Is it my turn now? I have just one question before I start. Nothing from this session is going to find its way back to my father, is it? Or turn up as blackmail material in some unscrupulous police officer's hands?"

{Mr Luthor, we pride ourselves on our professionalism and confidentiality here. [sotto voce] Well, unless we get a really good offer...}

"OK then, my name is Lex. I have some serious father/son issues... and I seem to have developed an unhealthy obsession with a cute, under-age farm boy to compensate. Oh yeah, and whenever I go out in my car I seem to lose control of it and wind up needing to have my life saved - preferably with mouth to mouth - is that normal?"

"My name is Clark. My problem is that I am a cute, under-age farm boy... Well, according to the paperwork anyway, but you see, I came down in this meteor shower and... Oh, I shouldn't have said that."

"Clark, have you been lying to me? I knew that line about adrenaline was crap."

"If you work in a fertiliser plant long enough I guess everything starts to seem like crap..."

"Oh great, I knew that whole field trip was a big mistake. One afternoon around Gabe Sullivan and it's out with the fertiliser humour. Not to mention having to put up with a visit from Daddy dearest..."

"Well pardon me for saving your life - again. And while we're on the subject of this whole life-saving thing, I am getting really pissed off about the wear and tear on my clothes every time you decide to take a dive off the nearest bridge or whatever."

"Fine, so I'll give you a clothes allowance."

"My Dad'll never let me keep it..."

{That's it! I have warned you repeatedly, gentlemen. Enough is enough. In my professional opinion you are all beyond help. This session is over. Close the door on your way out. Oh, and Major Eberbach, I'll be sending you a bill for the repairs to the wall.}


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