Disclaimer - DS9 and its characters are copyright Viacom and Paramount Pictures and no infringement of said copyright is intended. This story is purely for the enjoyment of fellow fans. The story itself is copyright K.Colohan 1995.
As Julian fled in the direction of his quarters his eyes began to fill with unshed tears. Damn it, why not make a total fool of yourself for everyone to see! He was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't see the figure approaching and ran straight into him. He pulled up abruptly and found himself looking into the startled face of Garak.
"Doctor, whatever is the matter?" asked the tailor, putting out a hand in concern to steady Julian.
"Garak, I'm sorry. I - I really wasn't looking where I was going," he stammered out. "I'm sorry. I should have been more careful. I..." Julian broke off and tried to calm himself, aware of Garak's sudden intense scrutiny.
"Is there anything I can do for you, doctor?" asked the Cardassian carefully, searching Julian's face and shocked by what he saw there.
"No, thank you, I'm fine; really I am," said Julian, his assurances sounding feeble even to his own ears. "I just need a bit of time to myself. That's all."
"I'm not sure that would be a good idea, doctor. You seem to me as if you need some company, someone to talk to perhaps," persisted Garak as he tightened his grip on Julian's wrist.
"No. No, really, Garak, I'm quite alright," insisted Julian, pulling away from the Cardassian.
"My dear doctor, unless I'm much mistaken your distress has something to do with your father, doesn't it?" said the tailor gently. Julian looked up, startled.
"How did you know?"
"Well, you hinted as much yourself the other day, and let's just say that it's not exactly a secret that you and he have had some difficulties since he arrived here. So, when I find you, obviously upset..." Garak pointedly met the doctor's tear-filled gaze. Julian ducked his head in shame. He didn't want anyone to see him in this state, but he knew Garak had seen the tears.
"We just had a terrible row," admitted Julian in a whisper. He looked up again, this time allowing the Cardassian to see his pain. "And I do need to talk to someone, Garak, but I don't want to impose..."
"Doctor, you were prepared to be my friend when no one else on this station would even give me the time of day. When I was ill, you saved my life, even though I didn't exactly make it easy for you." Garak paused and smiled. "It seems to me that listening is the very least I can do." He indicated a door close by. "See, my quarters are right here. Would you like to come in?"
"Thank you, Garak, if you're sure you don't mind," said Julian gratefully, and he followed the Cardassian into his room. Garak indicated a chair, which the doctor sank down into with some relief. "Not at all, doctor, now can I get you something? Tea perhaps?" The tailor headed for the replicator, tactfully allowing Julian the time to compose himself.
"No, thank you, but nothing for me, Garak," replied Julian. Garak glanced around, and seeing the doctor was settled, took a seat opposite him. He watched the younger man carefully, noting just how upset he seemed to be.
"Doctor, please don't feel that you have to tell me anything you are uncomfortable talking about," he said at length, as the doctor showed no sign of breaking his silence. From somewhere Julian found a wan smile.
"Oh, I'm sure most of it's already the talk of the station after last night," he said softly.
"Things that happen at Quark's do have a way of becoming common knowledge remarkably quickly, don't they," agreed Garak. "But this seems to be more than that. You said that you'd argued."
"Yes. I went to confront him," said Julian slowly. "I needed to know why, even now, nothing I do is ever good enough for him. Why all he's ever wanted to do is put me down. Oh I know he didn't want me to study medicine. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps; to be a diplomat too. Can you seriously see me as a diplomat, Garak?"
"I would have to say, doctor, even though I am your friend, that diplomacy has never exactly struck me as being your forte." Garak smiled and was gladdened by Julian's answering smile.
"No, and it never was. At that I really was hopeless. As a child I used to get so nervous talking to strangers I could barely string two words together." Julian's eyes were unfocussed as he remembered. "My father used to get so angry with me for that, and then all that happened was I'd get even more tongue tied. I tried so hard to get things right, just to make him proud of me. But I couldn't be something I wasn't. All my instincts told me that I wanted to help people, to heal them. I just wanted to be a doctor."
"Didn't you have any brothers or sisters? Ones who might perhaps have had more of an aptitude for diplomacy than you did," asked Garak.
"No. Much to my father's disappointment I was the only one." Julian sighed. "I suppose that's why he did put so much pressure on me. He wanted me to be just like him, and when I didn't match up to his expectations it made him angry. I just don't have that streak of ruthlessness he does, and to him that meant I was weak. He's never been able to see the value of compassion - it doesn't get you anything. He doesn't believe in helping people; he just wants to manipulate them."
"So your father used to get angry with you a lot then, doctor," said Garak carefully. Julian looked up, eyeing the Cardassian warily.
"Yes," he admitted at length.
"And when he was angry with you, what did he do?" Garak prompted gently. Julian's eyes widened with shock at the all too perceptive question.
"I don't know what you mean, Garak," he said, just a shade too quickly.
"Ah well, have it your own way, doctor," conceded the Cardassian, but his eyes never left the younger man's face. What he saw reflected there left him in little doubt about the answer to his question. He found himself wishing that Julian would trust him enough to confide in him, but then again why should he? He'd never been exactly open with the doctor regarding his own past.
For his part, Julian could tell that Garak had a pretty shrewd idea what it was that he was holding back. He wasn't sure just how he'd managed to give himself away, but as he thought about it he realised, to his surprise, that he wanted to tell Garak the truth. They were memories he'd never been inclined to share with anyone before; it was something he'd always been ashamed of. The only other person who'd ever known about the beatings was his mother. Of course she had been the one the young Julian had run to each time, after it was over. She had always done her best to comfort her distraught son, but she'd never attempted to stop it from happening. It had taken Julian a long time to understand the reason for that; the fact that she was afraid of her husband and that if she'd tried to intervene she would most likely have received the same treatment.
"Garak," Julian's voice was so quiet the Cardassian had to lean forward to hear him. "If I tell you about it, about my father, will you promise me never to tell anyone else?"
"Of course, doctor, you have my word," agreed Garak. Julian sat in silence for a moment, trying to find the words to begin. He wasn't sure why Garak seemed to be the right person to tell. After all, the Cardassian had always been evasive about his own past. Of all the stories he'd told, Julian was still no closer to figuring out which ones were true. Somehow though, Garak had seemed to understand instinctively what the doctor was hiding.
"My father used to beat me, Garak," said Julian at last. "I don't mean the occasional slap if I misbehaved; it was something he did regularly, systematically, over the slightest thing. You know, if my work wasn't quite up to scratch at school, or if I'd said the wrong thing when we had guests. The smallest thing would give him an excuse." Julian frowned. "Actually, most of the time he didn't even bother to find an excuse. Sometimes I used to think he enjoyed doing it..."
"Didn't anyone realise he was doing it? Surely you had bruises... What about your mother? Didn't she try and stop it?" asked Garak, appalled.
"Only my mother ever knew and if she had tried to stop him he would have hit her too. As for marks from the beatings, he always made sure they wouldn't show. If you know where to look there are still one or two faint scars, on my back - and other places." Julian swallowed hard before resuming, his voice a little unsteady. "He knew how to inflict maximum pain with the minimum of effort. I always tried not to show how much it hurt. I was usually in tears by the end though." The doctor laughed humourlessly. "And today I found out for the first time that what he really wanted was for me to fight back. If I'd just once turned on him it would all have stopped." Once again unshed tears glittered in Julian's eyes as he looked up at Garak.
"Doctor, I'm sorry. I should never have asked you to talk about this," said the tailor with evident regret.
"No, it's alright, Garak. Someone else ought to know just how much of a fool I was. I thought I was being so stoical, suffering in silence, and all the time I was only suffering because I was silent.!" Julian covered his face with his hands. "Dear god, the whole thing was my fault!"
"No!" Garak's vehement denial drew a startled look from the distraught doctor. "I'm sorry, doctor, but I can't allow you to take the blame for what happened on yourself. Your father is the one at fault, not you."
"How can you say that, Garak?" said Julian in an agonised whisper.
"I'm saying it because it's the truth," said Garak firmly. "I'm quite sure you never did anything to warrant that kind of mistreatment, doctor. Now, it seems to me that your father's revelation was designed purely to transfer his guilt at what he did on to you. And so far he seems to be succeeding very well, doesn't he?"
"I don't understand, Garak," said Julian.
"You said that your father just told you that if you'd fought back he wouldn't have beaten you again," said Garak patiently. "But he'd never given any indication of that before, am I right?"
"That's right," agreed Julian, "but we haven't spoken..."
"Before today, who did you blame for what happened to you? Your father, of course, but now it's suddenly all your fault." Garak smiled gently. "It never was, and never will be, your fault that your father is a brutal man." Julian regarded his Cardassian friend with open astonishment. Garak was quite right of course. Once again David Bashir had been doing what he did best - manipulate people.
"Thank you, Garak," said Julian softly.
"That's quite alright, doctor. Isn't that what friends are for?" Garak spoke lightly, but Julian could hear the hint of something more, something he couldn't quite place, in his voice.
"Garak, I know you're my friend. Oh, you have your secrets, and it's true I really know very little about you, but I do trust you." Julian reached out and covered the Cardassian's hand with one of his own. Garak glanced down at it and Julian withdrew self-consciously.
"That's very kind of you, doctor," said Garak neutrally. Changing the subject he continued briskly. "Now, I have to ask, what do you intend to do about your father?"
"Do?" said Julian questioningly. "I'm not going to do anything. He's made it quite plain that he wants nothing more to do with me while he's here."
"And you intend to leave it at that?" queried Garak.
"Yes," said Julian bluntly. "As far as he's concerned I'm not worthy of being his son. Well, if that's how he feels, maybe I don't think he's worthy of being my father. All he's done since he got here is snipe and criticise, anything to try and tear me to pieces. What I've done with my life does have value and I'm just not going to let him belittle it any more. If he doesn't want to be proud of my accomplishments, well I guess that's his prerogative."
As Julian stopped speaking he looked down awkwardly. Garak couldn't remember ever seeing the doctor look more vulnerable, or more alone. His usual buoyant self-confidence seemed to have evaporated, leaving him with no defence against his father and his hurtful words. Garak found himself remembering how eager to please Julian had been when he first arrived on the station. It made perfect sense now, with hindsight, as did the way he'd always been so quick to parade his own abilities. And there was no doubting the steps he'd taken with the right encouragement from his friends. Now, in the space of a couple of days, David Bashir had all but managed to destroy all that hard work. At that moment Garak felt he could have cheerfully strangled the man for his uncaring cruelty.
"Garak?" Julian's concerned voice cut into the Cardassian's thoughts. "Are you alright?"
"Oh I'm sorry, doctor," said Garak apologetically.
"You looked as if you were miles away," said Julian with a slight smile. "I'll leave if I'm boring you with my problems," he added self deprecatingly.
"Not at all, doctor," Garak paused, uncertain what he wanted to say. "I was merely thinking."
"What about?" prompted Julian.
"It's nothing important I assure you, doctor," said the Cardassian evasively. Julian looked at him narrowly, trying to decipher the strange expression on his friend's face.
"Garak, please tell me what you're thinking," said Julian quietly.
"If I tell you, you'll only think I'm being foolish, doctor," warned Garak.
"Oh, I'll take the risk of that," smiled Julian.
"I was just wondering how your father could find it in him to be so cruel, and it occured to me that if I were your father I would be proud to call you my son. When I think how much you've changed since you first came to the station, doctor, and now your father arrives and tries to undo all of that. I hate to see you like this. It upsets me to see you so vulnerable and hurt. I would do anything to protect you from that, doctor." Garak's words finally trailed off into silence. Julian stared open-mouthed at the Cardassian. Whatever he'd been expecting to hear, it certainly wasn't that!
"Garak, I - I don't know what to say," stammered Julian.
"You see, I told you you'd find me foolish," said Garak slowly. "I really think it would be better if you were to forget I ever said anything."
"No, Garak, what's said is said," insisted Julian. "I just didn't realise you felt - protective of me. I - that means a great deal to me. I value our friendship, I've already told you that. In a strange sort of way I suppose... Oh, I don't know what I'm trying to say, Garak. But thank you, I appreciate what you said." Julian ducked his head, realising that his eyes had finally overflowed and he was all set to make a complete fool of himself.
"You shouldn't be ashamed of a few tears, doctor," came Garak's quiet voice. "You have much to cry for, it seems to me - an entire lost childhood."
Finally, Julian allowed himself to give in to the demands of his emotions. Garak was right. He didn't have anything to be ashamed of, and trying to bottle up his feelings had been doing him no good at all. It was a relief to admit that at last and to permit himself the luxury of tears. As the doctor cried out all the long held pain, anger and frustration he was dimly aware of a pair of strong arms being placed around him. Unthinkingly Julian laid his head against Garak's broad shoulder and surrendered to the wordless comfort offered by his friend.
******
By the following morning, Julian had finally come to a decision. After his first heart to heart with Garak he had talked for a long time with both the Cardassian, and after some hesitation, Dax. At the end of it all he had his feelings straight. So, here he was, once more in his father's quarters, watching as the older man put the finishing touches to his packing for the trip to Bajor. Garak and Dax were with him. He'd asked them along, rather hesitantly, for moral support. He had been pleasantly surprised when both had willingly agreed to be present.
David Bashir eyed his son warily. This was a quite different Julian to the one who had fled in tears the previous day. There was a resolute look in his eyes and a determined set to his expression. With him were the Trill woman who'd rushed to his defence at the reception and a Cardassian Bashir hadn't seen before. His son certainly had a strange taste in friends.
"I thought I already told you that I have nothing more to say to you, Julian," he said at last.
"That may be so, father, but before you leave there are a few things I have to say to you." Julian's voice had a hard edge to it and he regarded his father with some distaste.
"Well, whatever it is, I don't have time for it," retorted David Bashir. "The shuttle leaves for Bajor in half an hour."
"Oh don't worry, this won't take long," said Julian in a cold voice that brooked no argument. "I just wanted to let you know that I learned something from your visit to DS9, something I should have realised a long time ago.
"All these years I worked so hard to gain your approval, to make you proud of me, and when I couldn't it hurt - more than I care to think about. But all that heartache was for nothing; you simply weren't worth it. You terrorised me for years and somehow I always convinced myself that it was for my own good. It's taken my very good friends," Julian indicated Garak and Dax, "to show me I was wrong; to make me see you for what you really are. You're nothing more than a bully; a cruel, manipulative man who doesn't have the first idea what love or respect are all about.
"You may not think much of what I've chosen to do with my life. That's your loss. What matters is that I'm proud of what I've achieved. You tried to destroy my faith in myself, just like you did when I was a child. You nearly succeeded too, but Dax and Garak and all my friends gave me the support I needed to get past that.
"And now I'm free of you, finally, after twenty nine years. You'll never be able to manipulate me like that again. Actually, I suppose I feel sorry for you really."
"Sorry for me!" interrupted David Bashir incredulously.
"Yes," said Julian slowly,"I feel sorry for you. Your life must be so empty. You've never let anyone get close to you. You drove my mother away and you made it clear you wanted nothing more to do with me. That just leaves your work, but you can't fill every hour of every day with that."
"Julian..." David Bashir took a step towards his son, but Julian deliberately backed away again.
"Goodbye, father," he said quietly, "good luck with your mission on Bajor." With that Julian turned on his heel and walked away, Garak and Dax close behind him. As they left, Dax glanced back over her shoulder to see David Bashir staring after them, a stunned expression on his face.
Maybe, she thought, given time they'll learn to find some common ground, but not yet.
******
The diplomats had departed from DS9, finally on their way to Bajor. Julian sat in the replimat nursing a half drunk cup of Tarkalean tea. Across the table from him sat Garak, watching him anxiously. The doctor looked over the rim of his cup, suddenly aware of the Cardassian's scrutiny.
"I'm fine, Garak," said Julian with a half smile. "You don't have to look so worried."
"These last few days have been most distressing for you, doctor. How can I not be concerned?" said Garak earnestly.
"Garak, I finally stood up to my father today! After all these years of being afraid of him - I'm free. He can't hurt me any more. I'm fine!" Julian regarded the Cardassian steadily. "To a large extent that was thanks to you. I owe you a great deal - and an apology."
"What is there to apologise for, doctor?" Garak looked at him in surprise.
"Well..." Julian looked embarrassed. "I made a bit of a fool of myself the other morning..."
"Nonsense," interrupted Garak briskly, "think nothing of it. What are friends for if not to provide a shoulder to cry on in difficult times?"
"Well, it was much appreciated - all of it, thank you, Garak," said Julian quietly. Garak smiled. He carefully reached across the table and covered one of the doctor's hands with his own.
"If you ever find yourself in need of a sympathetic ear, doctor, you know where I am. Now, I really should return to my shop." With that, Garak rose from his seat and was gone. Julian looked after him, a smile tugging at his lips. In some way he knew their friendship had taken a new turn. He wasn't sure where it would lead them, but he had no doubt he'd find out soon enough.
The End
Return to Yavanna's Realm archive