DISCLAIMER - Anyone who cares to claim ownership of this unruly mob is quite welcome to do so. Whatever else may be going on around here, definitely no money is being made. Story (yeah, right...) copyright Karen Colohan  June 2001

AT HOME WITH THE MUSES

by Karen Colohan

"Ouch!! What the...?" {thump} "Methos, you're in my way!"

"Bloody hell, be careful where you stick that thing, will you!" {shove} "That sword is sharp, you know, MacLeod."

"It wouldn't be much good if it wasn't. Anyway, it's not my fault there's no room to move in here these days. I still need to do my katas."

"Well, just try moving around a little less vigorously, if you please - especially if you're gonna brandish a lethal weapon at the same time."

[flutter} {flutter} "Didn't hear you complaining about my 'sword' last night, old man."

"That was different; you don't draw blood with that one..." {smirk} "Well, not seriously, anyway."

"Oh, please! Do you two ever stop slobbering over one another? It's nauseating!"

"Well, I can't help it if MacLeod finds me utterly irresistible, Kronos." {sotto voce} "And I seem to remember you doing a little slobbering on your own account not so long ago..."

"What?! What's that you're whispering about? Methos? What have you been doing with him? You're supposed to be with me now." {grab}

"Ack! Put me down, you Highland oaf!!" {crash} "Shit! Thank you so much, Kronos, now see what you've done!"

"Me? I wasn't the one who chose to blab the details of our sex life to all and sundry."

"Enough, all of you, will you just stop this right now! I'm getting really sick of having to patch people up because of these ridiculous petty squabbles."

"At least it gives you something to do. With all these swords flying about we certainly need a doctor. There's not much call for an assassin around here, though. It's too fucking crowded for a stealth attack!"

"I'd noticed. I think there was actually less overcrowding in the colonel's mines!"

"You are never going to let me hear the last of that, are you, doctor?"

"No, probably not... But does anyone know what's happened here? I don't remember us having this problem in the past."

"We didn't, but she's been collecting Muses, hasn't she. I think it's quite sweet really - our own Muse Clan."

"Sweet? Oh please, I think I'm going to be sick..."

"And here I thought you were all for it being all brothers together, Kronos!"

"Will you two stop trying to score points off one another with these cheap shots. I can tell you now, I'm not impressed. In fact, those lovely lashes and that cute bum of Alex's are looking better all the time...."

{in unison} "What?!"

"Well, everyone knows I'm a slut, so I might as well live down to my reputation." {shrug} "So, Muse collecting, eh? Everyone needs a hobby, I suppose." {sigh} "I do miss being able to have a decent sprawl..."

"With so many more of us you'd think she'd arrange for bigger accommodation, though, wouldn't you?"

"It seems to me that you have entirely too much faith in human nature, Doctor Helm. I'm surprised at you."

"Mmm, perhaps an assassin could be of use after all. I might be able to solve our little overcrowding problem..."

"Now, now, don't be so hasty, Mr Krycek. I'm sure we can resolve this without unnecessary bloodshed."

"Yeah? So talk to her about it - she's a bloody cheapskate. Can't even get a decent beer around here..."

"Methos, I think we have more to worry about than the lack of beer. What if Krycek accidentally triggers off a Quickening in here?"

"Oooh, messy!"

"Well, speaking personally, I find it utterly unacceptable to be kept penned up in here with a pack of idiots and perverts! The things I've been forced to witness..." {shudder} "Alaska would be too good for most of you. If it weren't for the fact that he goes berserk every time I light a cigarette I'd be inclined to throw in my lot with the assassin."

"Major, do you have to be so bloodthirsty all the time? It really isn't so bad here. We've been in worse places, you know." {coy glance} "And, best of all, I get to be close to you..."

"Get away from me, you pervert, and keep your hands where I can see them! Are you sure you haven't got her to conspire with the stingy-bug just to annoy me?"

"Darling, why are you so nasty to poor James all the time? I'm certain this isn't his fault."

"OK, OK, I accept the whole Muse Clan idea just isn't going to work..."

"There is a God!"

"...But while I'm sure we're all finding this squabbling highly therapeutic - and the odder people among us are probably getting off on it... Methos, keep your hands to yourself, please - it really isn't helping us solve the underlying problem."

"Well, if you'd stop hurling yourself about, sword in hand..."

"Don't! We've already been down this road once."

"Hmph, some things just need to be repeated before they get through that dense Scottish skull!"

"I have a gun here if you think it might help..."

"Klaus, don't get in the middle of other people's arguments. It's bound to end in tears."

"Real men do not cry, so it's of no concern to me, Eroica."

"Nonsense, darling, haven't you ever had a bit of a weep over an old movie or something?"

"I don't have time for such frivolous rubbish."

"Not even a war film..." {sideways glance} "... with tanks?"

"That's different, but not if it interferes with my duty. That's the most important thing."

"Well, perhaps you'd like to go and do your duty somewhere else. Might leave the rest of us a bit more room for - manoeuvres..."

{yelling} Is there anybody else here who isn't a fucking pervert?!"

"Watch who you keep calling a pervert, darling." {sweetly} "I have a big sword here and I'm not especially fussy where I stick it."

"So I'd noticed, brother."

{growling} "Kronos..."

{nervously} "Um, Klaus, are you sure you wouldn't like to go and polish your tank or something?"

"If some irritating thief hadn't stolen it from me..."

"Well, how about I take you for a visit, just for old time's sake, you understand..."

"You'd let me see my leopard tank?"

"Of course, darling, you only had to ask."

"And can I drive it too?"

"If it makes you happy, Klaus, certainly you can."

"Then why are we wasting time in this appalling place? Have Z bring the Benz round at once..."

{Dorian and Klaus leave}

"Some people are just so easily amused..." {smirk} "Ah, that's better - much more room for me to sprawl now. And I thought the smell of roses was going to give me hayfever..."

"The rose thing was no problem, but those cigarettes the major kept chain-smoking - they were definitely bringing back bad memories for me." {shudder}

"Well, I quite liked the major. His bloodthirsty tendencies were positively refreshing. If I'd known he had a tank..."

"You are so easy, Kronos. Show you a lethal weapon and you're anybody's. Still, I think you'd have had your work cut out with Major Iron-underpants."

"Hmmm, I'm sure with the proper inducement he could be persuaded to let me have use of his tank. Perhaps if I offered to take the irritating blond off his hands - permanently..."

{Kronos leaves}

"Bye bye, Kronos, don't hurry back!"

"So, this 'tank' - it's a powerful weapon, then? Better than cannon?"

"Colonel, I don't know exactly what you have in mind, but I'm sure I don't like the sound of it..."

"Tell me, gentlemen, would such a thing persuade the Dons to stay in line? More importantly, would it help me be rid of a meddlesome woman who rides around with a sword and a whip making a mockery of my soldiers and defying my authority?"

{defiantly} "Colonel Montoya, I will not stand by and watch you harm the Queen."

"Interfering again, Doctor Helm, it's becoming something of a habit for you..." {thoughtfully} "I think I should give you to Capitan Grisham for a little target practice. His aim has been somewhat off lately."

"You wouldn't!"

"Are you sure about that...?"

"But... I thought you needed a doctor."

"Oh, I do - just not as much as I believe I need this - tank. I think I should speak to the major at once. As a fellow military man I'm sure he will appreciate my position."

"Ah, well... in that case I think perhaps I should get back to my office. I'm sure I must have a whole waiting room full of patients by now."

{Helm and Montoya leave}

"That's what you get for not going private..."

"Methos, behave!"

"But things are going so well - look, just you, me and Alex over there. Lots more room in here now..." {cat-like stretch}

"Well, yes, but..."

"So, tell me, MacLeod - just what is your position on threesomes?"

{outraged} "Methos!!"

{seductively} "Top? Bottom? Meat in the sandwich?"

{flushed} "Umm.... You really are serious, aren't you?"

"Mac, you wound me, I'm always serious about sex. So, shall I put you down as up for anything?" {stroke} {squeeze} "Oh yes, definitely up. Mmmm... this sword is so much nicer than the one you were waving around earlier."

"Methos, that 'joke' is getting to be nearly as old as you."

{pout} You can be incredibly stuffy sometimes, you know."

"Stuffy?!"

"Alex, don't stand on ceremony - feel free to jump on, I mean in any time you like."

"Hm, thank you, don't mind if I do..." {pounce}

"Help, help!! Come back! Don't leave me with these madmen!!"

{sigh} "Don't be such a baby, MacLeod, you know you want it."

{smugly} "Of course I do. I was just trying to make you feel all butch and masterful, Methos. I know how much you like to think you're the alpha male around here. Should I flutter my eyelashes as well?"

{glaring} "If you do I may just hurt you."

"Oooh, nice, is that a promise?"

"Alex, take him out somewhere and shoot him a few times, would you. I really hate it when he gets in this kind of mood. Not even the sex is enough to make up for it."

"My pleasure..."

{incensed} "Hey! Ouch! Methos! Bloody hell...!"

{Krycek leaves, dragging MacLeod}

"Ahhhh... perfect. Peace and quiet at last." {sprawls} "Mmm, and they even left me some beer." {gulp} {gulp} "Cheers!"

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